My move has devolved into disaster and now seems impossibly stressful. In situations like these my go-to response is procrastination, utter avoidance and sleep however I am trying my best to forge onward. Doing things for myself like going to a yoga class or taking a coffee break have been playing their part as well, but eventually I'm going to have to suck it up and solve this problem. 

I've also realized that it takes an incredible amount of energy to try and conceal my inner panic and that it is okay that I'm feeling a bit shaky. Moving is stressful, leaving a place/home/life is sad and transitioning is difficult. 

Then I read this and was relieved to discover that I am not the only person who feels the way I do. 

Blog as Journal: DUALISM

Today I looked the word 'dualism' up in the dictionary. It's definition is largely theoretical, as in:

the doctrine that there are two independent divine beings or eternal principles, one good and the other evil.

 but basically it means to be split in two. It is

the state of being dual or consisting of two parts 

Now before you blow this post off as a [boring] vocabulary lesson may I explain that this is exactly how I've been feeling lately. Not the 'eternal existence of good and evil stuff', the 'division into two equal parts' stuff.

I am at conflict with myself and it is exhausting.

I've been in Toronto for about 20 months now, and lately I've been feeling like the city has let me down - or rather that I haven't stepped up to embrace the city and in doing so have let myself down. I moved here with visions of change and self-improvement and now realize that the only lesson I've learned since I got here is that changing one's location does not change one's situation. I feel like I am the exact same person I was when I came to Toronto - except with a considerably smaller bank account. The city has yet to swallow me whole but I fear that it has frightened me into stagnant submission. These feelings coupled with an extraordinarily difficult six months for several members of my family back in Halifax has lead to a true, desperate feeling of homesickness like I have never felt before in my life.

And so I struggle.

The part of me that knows that changing my address is a foolish way to change my life wrestles with the part that yearns for the simplicity of home.

The part of me that wants to focus on myself and my future argues with the part that wants to be there for the people I care about who may need help now.

Stay - Go

Fight - Retreat

Struggle - Surrender

Me - Them

Forwards - Backwards

Toronto - Halifax

All of these opposing words, and notions, and ideals, and expectations vacillate inside my head, heart and gut until I am confused, anxious, and lying awake at one o'clock in the morning on a Sunday night.

I don't write this to complain or cause alarm, or really to expect an answer. I just know that I can't be the only person split in two (theoretically, theologically, or hell, even psychologically) and maybe if I send these words out into the Clouds - for according to Google, that's where all of our information goes these days - the dual parts of me will be calmed for the evening so that I can get some rest.

dictionary source

A different kind of 'Twitpic'

A page from Roald Dahl's The Twits. I fear that as of late I have been progressing in a manner similar to paragraph/picture number one...

image found here

Do you ever second guess yourself?

I do it all the time. All the time. I think things like "I should have worn that shirt instead of this shirt" or "I wish I'd gone there instead of here" or "Have I made a mistake?" or "That was a wrong decision"

Maybe that's not second guessing, maybe that's regretting. Either way, I would like to quit. At my age I should be strong in my convictions, fervently driven towards my goals, trudging onward with confidence into my Great Adult Life. Or something.

Now I'm second guessing this entry. I wanted to post some sort of entry today; I feel like I had a weekend that would inspire some sort of writing but it has also tired me out so instead I am exhausted, bundled up and sitting cozy on my couch rambling on about perceived shortcomings.

Just sayin'

Sometimes I look at photos on the Sartorialist and think "my friend Tessa should be on here."

Like seriously.

[I was going to complain about my recent technological blunder and what has turned into a pity party of a Saturday night, but have decided that drabble about my self-conceived short comings does not make for an entertaining blog, and that a compliment for the coolest girl I know would be much more suitable.]

Exits are here, here and here.

Last night I impulsively bought a one-way ticket to Toronto.

I couldn't help it! There were 36 hours left in a seat sale, it cost $89, two of my dearest university friends just happen to be headed into town the weekend I booked, I couldn't figure out when I should return so I just clicked 'Select This Flight', entered my trusty Visa number and am now headed to Toronto for an indefinite period of time, departing in a mere 6 days.

Cue panic.

This is exactly what happened in July when I left my job to move to Toronto, bought a one-way flight at the last minute, spent the night before I was set to depart avoiding packing and instead sitting on my back porch listening to music, making pro/con lists and drinking tea all night long whilst having a semi-meltdown slash severe personal crisis. [Whoa run-on sentence.] Next morning, instead of embarking on my new Toronto life, I called the airline and cancelled my ticket.

Point is, I am not entirely sure I will be able to avoid the same scenario this time around. I don't seem to be as terrified as before, and this time my trip includes immediate excitement and reward however I am still as ill-prepared, have no long term place to stay or job to sustain myself.

Huh.