... or something.
I'm tired of spending hours scanning computer screens for job opportunities, mentally wrestling over the appropriate word to insert into a cover letter or application, feeling exhausted despite the startling lack of movement / physical exertion I've managed thus far.
I've found a company that sounds like a really great opportunity. It's holding an Open House tonight, and another one on Thursday night. I am unnaturally stressed about it - as I get about all events that involve a room full of strangers and a requirement to be my best and most outgoing self.
Does self-paralyzation exist? Is there a creature who - involuntarily or otherwise - stops itself from moving forward? There are enough venomous things out there, surely one of them is prone to masochistic tendencies... I'm pretty good at - involuntarily or otherwise - paralyzing myself. It sucks. It is not worth blaming things on, and yet it is very easy to blame a lot of things on.
So anyways, the day is gray, I'm filled with self-doubt, and I'm at the point where a cover letter makes me want to go to sleep and a meet&greet makes me want to cry.
No encouraging, go-get-'em comments please. I just need to vent and wallow before I get back on track.
Showing posts with label SOMETIMES I'M MY OWN WORST ENEMY. Show all posts
Showing posts with label SOMETIMES I'M MY OWN WORST ENEMY. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
It's a good thing "Job Hunting" isn't a profession, because if it were I'd be fired.
hi bruce It's Alex Archibald phoning.
We met on a flight to Halifax over xmas and you were kind enough to offer me your business card
so now that i'm back in toronto and getting settled i thought i would give you a call.
i'd love to discuss how i might go about submitting my resume to [your company].
i can be reached at 416 blahblahblah, or perhaps i'll send off an email as well or give you a try another time.
Thank you very much and i hope we can be in touch.
have a good day
That is the voicemail script I spent a minimum of 15 minutes drafting this morning. I then spent a good 5-10 minutes rehearsing said script, while debating with friends via BBM and text messages whether or not I should phone and leave the voicemail first, or send an email. After several deep breaths and the oral repetition of the mantra "be confident, it's just a phone call" I called, left the message (a couple of 'ums' may have snuck in but I think I was eloquent enough) and then moved on to drafting the "quick follow-up email". Wrote my pitch, spell-checked, etc. and that was fine (writing = no problem...unlike talking). Debated for another 5 minutes as to what the appropriate Subject Line should be, sent email.
...aaaand I'm spent.
We met on a flight to Halifax over xmas and you were kind enough to offer me your business card
so now that i'm back in toronto and getting settled i thought i would give you a call.
i'd love to discuss how i might go about submitting my resume to [your company].
i can be reached at 416 blahblahblah, or perhaps i'll send off an email as well or give you a try another time.
Thank you very much and i hope we can be in touch.
have a good day
That is the voicemail script I spent a minimum of 15 minutes drafting this morning. I then spent a good 5-10 minutes rehearsing said script, while debating with friends via BBM and text messages whether or not I should phone and leave the voicemail first, or send an email. After several deep breaths and the oral repetition of the mantra "be confident, it's just a phone call" I called, left the message (a couple of 'ums' may have snuck in but I think I was eloquent enough) and then moved on to drafting the "quick follow-up email". Wrote my pitch, spell-checked, etc. and that was fine (writing = no problem...unlike talking). Debated for another 5 minutes as to what the appropriate Subject Line should be, sent email.
...aaaand I'm spent.
Monday, January 11, 2010
So my New Years' Resolution for 2010 is to start an RSP. (I'm a "grown up" now, so I'm trying to be responsible).
Today I added an item to the list (apart from the never-resolving, "drink more water" conundrum): This year I am going to read more.
A few of the blogs I've been reading have posted end-of-the-year lists listing the books they've read. i am going to do the same, so that a) i can hope to actually remember the books i've read, and b) I can force myself to actually read.
this entry is crap
That's what I was going to post last night. Perhaps the lesson to be learned is Don't Blog While Overtired and Lying in Bed at One in the Morning, but I am going to conclude that I am in a wee rut. Either that, or am having a seriously detrimental case of "the Mondays".
Seems odd to say that I'm in a rut, considering I'm in Toronto and embarking on the next chapter of my life, etc. and so on, but I think it is true. It seems to have taken longer than normal to transition from 'crazy Christmas, family, good ol' Hali' lifestyle to 'back in Toronto, starting a life, big city' mode. Also, I am startled by the measured lack of confidence I feel when confronted with the tasks required to get my "Fabulous Toronto Life" up and running. Like the Job Hunt which I've been dreading for ages: I find myself reading job descriptions and thinking "no point in applying, there's definitely someone else more qualified than me so there's no chance I'll get it" which is absolutely without question NOT the attitude one is supposed to have as one enters the job market. It's not good.
Today I didn't leave the house, which always makes me feel like a slug - especially while I'm staying at my cousins because while there is plenty of room and I'm in nobody's way, this is an incredibly busy and successful couple and I can't help like I'm being judged for my lack of initiative. Not to say I didn't accomplish anything today; I applied for a couple of jobs online (which part of me feels is futile and not the best way to get hired), unpacked, cleaned, and organized my room, and did a load of laundry - yay small victories! Maybe I should go for a nice walk... now that the sun is down... ....
Anywho, such is my lament on this cold, grey Monday. Tomorrow will be better. I know that I have the skills to do everything I want to do here in Toronto, it's just a matter of bucking up and attacking upcoming challenges with a fearless, "can-do" attitude.... and of donning several layers and actually leaving the house.
PS. "I'm going to read more" is NOT the new resolution I came up with (although I would like to, and I do plan on recording the books I do read this year). The actual resolution I came up with yesterday while getting dressed was "No longer will I wear hole-y socks. Once I find a sock with a hole I will discard it and wear warm, complete socks like an adult should."
... Wonder why I thought socks warranted a blog entry... yes, I think the term "rut" would definetly apply to what's going on here.
Today I added an item to the list (apart from the never-resolving, "drink more water" conundrum): This year I am going to read more.
A few of the blogs I've been reading have posted end-of-the-year lists listing the books they've read. i am going to do the same, so that a) i can hope to actually remember the books i've read, and b) I can force myself to actually read.
this entry is crap
That's what I was going to post last night. Perhaps the lesson to be learned is Don't Blog While Overtired and Lying in Bed at One in the Morning, but I am going to conclude that I am in a wee rut. Either that, or am having a seriously detrimental case of "the Mondays".
Seems odd to say that I'm in a rut, considering I'm in Toronto and embarking on the next chapter of my life, etc. and so on, but I think it is true. It seems to have taken longer than normal to transition from 'crazy Christmas, family, good ol' Hali' lifestyle to 'back in Toronto, starting a life, big city' mode. Also, I am startled by the measured lack of confidence I feel when confronted with the tasks required to get my "Fabulous Toronto Life" up and running. Like the Job Hunt which I've been dreading for ages: I find myself reading job descriptions and thinking "no point in applying, there's definitely someone else more qualified than me so there's no chance I'll get it" which is absolutely without question NOT the attitude one is supposed to have as one enters the job market. It's not good.
Today I didn't leave the house, which always makes me feel like a slug - especially while I'm staying at my cousins because while there is plenty of room and I'm in nobody's way, this is an incredibly busy and successful couple and I can't help like I'm being judged for my lack of initiative. Not to say I didn't accomplish anything today; I applied for a couple of jobs online (which part of me feels is futile and not the best way to get hired), unpacked, cleaned, and organized my room, and did a load of laundry - yay small victories! Maybe I should go for a nice walk... now that the sun is down... ....
Anywho, such is my lament on this cold, grey Monday. Tomorrow will be better. I know that I have the skills to do everything I want to do here in Toronto, it's just a matter of bucking up and attacking upcoming challenges with a fearless, "can-do" attitude.... and of donning several layers and actually leaving the house.
PS. "I'm going to read more" is NOT the new resolution I came up with (although I would like to, and I do plan on recording the books I do read this year). The actual resolution I came up with yesterday while getting dressed was "No longer will I wear hole-y socks. Once I find a sock with a hole I will discard it and wear warm, complete socks like an adult should."
... Wonder why I thought socks warranted a blog entry... yes, I think the term "rut" would definetly apply to what's going on here.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Sales Tactics
One of the most peculiar things about aparment or job hunting is the neccesity to sell oneself.
At least I find it peculiar...and well, difficult.
I wish I had the blind confidence to walk up to a potential boss/landlord/boyfriend and say (in so many words) "I am the person you want. I am the person you need. No one else will be able to fill this space better than I can." Confidence is confidence inspiring however it seems to me that when it comes to self confidence that statement loses its potency.
I am capable. This I know, and to a certain extent I am able to demonstrate as such but for some reason the knowledge that other people believe in my capability, believe in me, makes me uncomfortable. I've never really been one to take compliments well, and that I am certain relates to self confidence, or rather a lack thereof.
Maybe I'm too humble for my own good... that sounds pompous. I think that's why I am so uncomfortable with the idea of selling myself, I find the notion of expounding one's virtues, strengths and abilities to be inherently self-indulgent and ostentatious - qualities that I do not like in others. In a job market such as today's, or when meeting with a landlord, or perhaps even on a date (although in that area I assure you I hold no expertise) a bit of turgid behaviour is necessary. I mean, if I don't speak up and explain all of my assets than who will? Certainly not my competition.
I think this is my first major lesson upon moving to 'the big smoke'... okay second, the first was always wear comfortable, non-blister inducing shoes when walking around exploring your new city.
At least I find it peculiar...and well, difficult.
I wish I had the blind confidence to walk up to a potential boss/landlord/boyfriend and say (in so many words) "I am the person you want. I am the person you need. No one else will be able to fill this space better than I can." Confidence is confidence inspiring however it seems to me that when it comes to self confidence that statement loses its potency.
I am capable. This I know, and to a certain extent I am able to demonstrate as such but for some reason the knowledge that other people believe in my capability, believe in me, makes me uncomfortable. I've never really been one to take compliments well, and that I am certain relates to self confidence, or rather a lack thereof.
Maybe I'm too humble for my own good... that sounds pompous. I think that's why I am so uncomfortable with the idea of selling myself, I find the notion of expounding one's virtues, strengths and abilities to be inherently self-indulgent and ostentatious - qualities that I do not like in others. In a job market such as today's, or when meeting with a landlord, or perhaps even on a date (although in that area I assure you I hold no expertise) a bit of turgid behaviour is necessary. I mean, if I don't speak up and explain all of my assets than who will? Certainly not my competition.
I think this is my first major lesson upon moving to 'the big smoke'... okay second, the first was always wear comfortable, non-blister inducing shoes when walking around exploring your new city.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
*sigh*
If my dreams came true, I would move to Toronto and find an apartment like this one... and/or instead of moving to Toronto, I'd be moving to Paris; just sayin'.
If I could find my camera right now, (or if my GD computer would permit me to post pictures) I would share a photo of my bedroom at this moment. I can't however, so let me just try to paint a little picture so that perhaps you can understand why right now I'd rather look at blogs for hours, or watch daytime TV than deal with what I can only describe as a total state of complete disarray.
::Currently squished next to a pile of clothing deemed 'take later' items, on a chair that also has 'coats to be mended and sent at a later date' and 'clothes to give away' on either armrest.
::On my floor there is a stack of miscellaneous papers and paraphernalia to sort through, a cardboard box filled with picture frames, etc to be closed up for shipping, packing tape, brown paper (to wrap breakables), half-a-dozen clothing hangers (victims of cleaning out the closet), and an almost entirely full suitcase.
::Bed is COVERED in clothes that still have to [miraculously] fit into the suitcase on the floor, the occasional belt/purse, 3 make-up bags filled with miscellaneous (but absolutely necessary) lotions, potions, polishes and powders, my cookbooks and winter scarves/gloves
::Closet/cupboard/vanity still contains a DVD collection, half of a shoe collection, a rather hilarious group of mugs that I refuse to part with, more cosmetics, jewelery, a picture frame that I just realized I forgot to wrap up and a wine opener, that sadly does not come with a bottle to open.
Helloooooo my entire afternoon/evening. Awesome.
But enough complaining, and back to work - on the bright side, at least I'm not sneezing uncontrollably
PS. Just had to edit this post so that I could include this marvelous little ditty: (It seems appropriate what with all this packing complaing and talk of my fantasy life)
If I could find my camera right now, (or if my GD computer would permit me to post pictures) I would share a photo of my bedroom at this moment. I can't however, so let me just try to paint a little picture so that perhaps you can understand why right now I'd rather look at blogs for hours, or watch daytime TV than deal with what I can only describe as a total state of complete disarray.
::Currently squished next to a pile of clothing deemed 'take later' items, on a chair that also has 'coats to be mended and sent at a later date' and 'clothes to give away' on either armrest.
::On my floor there is a stack of miscellaneous papers and paraphernalia to sort through, a cardboard box filled with picture frames, etc to be closed up for shipping, packing tape, brown paper (to wrap breakables), half-a-dozen clothing hangers (victims of cleaning out the closet), and an almost entirely full suitcase.
::Bed is COVERED in clothes that still have to [miraculously] fit into the suitcase on the floor, the occasional belt/purse, 3 make-up bags filled with miscellaneous (but absolutely necessary) lotions, potions, polishes and powders, my cookbooks and winter scarves/gloves
::Closet/cupboard/vanity still contains a DVD collection, half of a shoe collection, a rather hilarious group of mugs that I refuse to part with, more cosmetics, jewelery, a picture frame that I just realized I forgot to wrap up and a wine opener, that sadly does not come with a bottle to open.
Helloooooo my entire afternoon/evening. Awesome.
But enough complaining, and back to work - on the bright side, at least I'm not sneezing uncontrollably
PS. Just had to edit this post so that I could include this marvelous little ditty: (It seems appropriate what with all this packing complaing and talk of my fantasy life)
Monday, November 9, 2009
Oi
Fun Alex Fact: I have a tendency to bury my head in the sand when confronted with a task I deem to be stressful. Only problem is, avoiding tackling said task doesn't make the necessity of the task disappear, and all I do is procrastinate until the point where I am under some sort of extreme timeline, and said task ends up being infinitely more stressful than it would have been had I just dealt with it outright.
Par exemple, I have been home for close to 3 weeks now. The purpose of coming home was to pack up the rest of my things and prepare for my move to Toronto. What the trip turned into was a mostly social visit filled with lots of lolling about (read: procrastination/utter avoidance). Now I have 3 days to accomplish all of the things that I should have been working on for the past three weeks (packing, sorting, Dr's appointments) as well as some how fit in goodbyes/visits with everyone in Halifax. It is entirely overwhelming, and also incredibly frustrating because I have brought it on myself.
So may I extend heartfelt apologies for being neglectful, dear blog. Next week I'll be back on track, I promise.
On another note...
The other day I watched Across the Universe (which I love) in yet another maneuver to put off packing. Ever since I've had Oh Darlin' stuck in my head, and so I shall share it with you!
I'm thinking it would make a good karaoke song... then again I don't karaoke so what do I know.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Reflections, more life plans, and an apparent Gwyneth Paltrow obsession:
Tonight I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and thought "Ugh, how unfortunate." On second thought, I believe I actually audibly uttered those words to the sorry reflection looking back at me.
I had hastily pulled my [greasy] hair into what I'll have to call a "rough ponytail", my concealer had all but vanished betraying the dark, baggy circles under my eyes, I'd shoved my [slipper-sock clad] feet into my mother's Blundstones - which peeking out from my trouser jeans resembled clown shoes, and I had LEFT THE HOUSE. That's right, although feeling exhausted, achy, overfull and looking one baggy t-shirt short of ghastly I actually allowed myself to enter the public domain.
(Okay so it wasn't so much "the public domain" as it was driving to my grandparents house to pick up my brother, but still.)
My point is that I have been less than, er, fastidious about my personal health these days. Somehow my life has become more about needless late nights, wine, coffee, tea, carbs, cheese, over-indulgence/eating on an almost daily basis, stress and slovenliness, and less about proper sleep patterns, water intake, fruits&veg, self confidence and improvement, and any/all forms of exercise.
NOT GOOD. And my body is starting to show the effects. (On the plus side, I bought myself a daily multivitamin a week ago and have remembered to take it...3 whole days! Yay improvement??)
Last night I read about a cleanse that Gwyneth Paltrow was raving about, and thought 'I should do that'. For a few deluded moments I had myself thinking "all I need is to do this 21-day total detox and I will emerge healthy, happy, lithe and lean - just like Gwyneth!" Then I noticed that the cleanse includes $350 (!!!) worth of essential meal-replacement shakes and supplements and said delusions quickly faded. 21 days of a mere diet-regime to turn me into Gwyneth Paltrow??!? Yeah friggin' right.
I mean hello:
IMPOSSIBLE.
All this aside, I have decided that the time is now. (Cue fanfare!) I'm changing cities, why not change lifestyles? Well perhaps a complete 'lifestyle overhaul' is a tad drastic BUT I would truly like to do a cleanse/detox of some sort, I'm thinking about cutting out as much dairy as I can muster (as an asthmatic, phlegm and I have been friends for too long and milk and mucus go together like....I don't know I can't think of an analogy.. the fact I just used the word 'mucus' grossed me out and threw me off-kilter), I can practically hear my muscles urging me to get back into yoga, and I know I'll feel a difference if I start drinking more water.
Other plans to re-vamp my life currently include an appointment with a financial planner, reading more non-fiction, and taking a dance class come winter.
How this will all turn out? Who knows?
Maybe Gwyneth Paltrow does... that woman knows everything, just look at her blog.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
My blogging, Myself
I freakin' love stumbling upon new (to me) blogs. Whenever I come across a new photo blog or inspirational blog or rambling blog that is interesting, entertaining and well put together I get a feeling similar to that when you find an old photo album buried at the bottom of a storage box: "How long has this been here?" "How exciting!" "I had no idea this existed" "Look at all of the great stories in here!" etc.
Today I finally remembered to get my best friend's blog address from her. I've...
HOLD THE PHONE A MOUSE JUST RAN ACROSS MY KITCHEN FLOOR!!! GDAMMIT! FRIGGIN' RODENTS... IF IT ISN'T A FAMILY OF OBNOXIOUSLY LOUD SQUIRRELS IN MY BACKYARD OR AN ALLEGED RAT ON MY BACK PORCH (that's right, a rat was apparently spotted chasing said squirrels off my back porch today.. not a welcome solution to the squirrel problem) IT'S A BLOODY MOUSE (not so) CASUALLY SCURRYING FROM THE OVEN TO THE DISHWASHER....
(Ahem). I digress.
I've been trying to find her blog for ages et voila I now have access. It's wordy which is not at all bad but very interesting to me because throughout our entire friendship she has been the open, effusive, talkative one and I have been the inward, private, sit-back-and-take-it-all-in one. This is exactly how our blogs are. She writes (in her lovely way which is exactly like she talks aloud) about her day to day life, her personal thoughts and opinions and the people surrounding her who affect her the most. I borrow blog entries, share photos and videos, comment assertively yet objectively on various things I find, and share information from other people but rarely about myself.
I sometimes hate (and I use this word deliberately) my inability to open up. It is a truly hideous trait to possess when at a party or meeting new people or on a date (especially the latter) and the amount of effort it takes me to make small talk, or share stories or divulge information is truly exhausting. I must say that I feel I am getting better at this...at the very least I'm a work in progress. (Sharing a personal blog with the world has got to count for something in this regard am I right?)
P.S. On the subject of newly found blogs, did you know that Gwenyth Paltrow has one?! Truth be told, I haven't quite figured it out yet, but leave it to JMac to put me on to that one..
Today I finally remembered to get my best friend's blog address from her. I've...
HOLD THE PHONE A MOUSE JUST RAN ACROSS MY KITCHEN FLOOR!!! GDAMMIT! FRIGGIN' RODENTS... IF IT ISN'T A FAMILY OF OBNOXIOUSLY LOUD SQUIRRELS IN MY BACKYARD OR AN ALLEGED RAT ON MY BACK PORCH (that's right, a rat was apparently spotted chasing said squirrels off my back porch today.. not a welcome solution to the squirrel problem) IT'S A BLOODY MOUSE (not so) CASUALLY SCURRYING FROM THE OVEN TO THE DISHWASHER....
(Ahem). I digress.
I've been trying to find her blog for ages et voila I now have access. It's wordy which is not at all bad but very interesting to me because throughout our entire friendship she has been the open, effusive, talkative one and I have been the inward, private, sit-back-and-take-it-all-in one. This is exactly how our blogs are. She writes (in her lovely way which is exactly like she talks aloud) about her day to day life, her personal thoughts and opinions and the people surrounding her who affect her the most. I borrow blog entries, share photos and videos, comment assertively yet objectively on various things I find, and share information from other people but rarely about myself.
I sometimes hate (and I use this word deliberately) my inability to open up. It is a truly hideous trait to possess when at a party or meeting new people or on a date (especially the latter) and the amount of effort it takes me to make small talk, or share stories or divulge information is truly exhausting. I must say that I feel I am getting better at this...at the very least I'm a work in progress. (Sharing a personal blog with the world has got to count for something in this regard am I right?)
P.S. On the subject of newly found blogs, did you know that Gwenyth Paltrow has one?! Truth be told, I haven't quite figured it out yet, but leave it to JMac to put me on to that one..
Monday, August 24, 2009
Pity Party - Table for One
So I've been in a really odd head space the past few days, and I'm not sure why. All I know is it's 4:30 in the morning and I'm still awake. Do you ever have those nights? Nights when you can't seem to turn your mind off and you fight reason, sleep, and time as you toss in your bed until the wee hours of the morning? Perhaps not. I hope not.
I don't know, lately I feel (to revert back to my treading water metaphor) like I can't find my way to the surface, or rather that I am perfectly capable of swimming to safety if only I would kick my legs. I'm just tired of telling the same white lies every time someone asks me what I'm doing, what I'm up to, or what my plans are. The truth is I don't know the answer to any of these questions, which is scary, and apparently impossible to admit. Ugh and I can't stand the 'looks' either. Whether it be pity, disapproval, concern, smugness, tolerance, judgement, whatever, I sometimes wish people could refrain from letting their reaction to my sorry answer show all over their face.
I've also been rather angry as of late (which may or may not be evident). Again, I'm not sure where it comes from...well, I suppose it is self-directed, although I'm pretty good at transferring that to whomever happens to say something at an improper time.
I wish I had the skills to pull myself out of this funk..this rut..this...coma I've fallen into. I know that there are people around me who are able to help me in this regard but reaching out requires courage, and courage requires energy, and energy requires actually sleeping at night.
Hmm. I guess for now I'll be grateful for cups of tea and online tv shows, and maybe - just maybe - I'll close my eyes and get some rest.
I don't know, lately I feel (to revert back to my treading water metaphor) like I can't find my way to the surface, or rather that I am perfectly capable of swimming to safety if only I would kick my legs. I'm just tired of telling the same white lies every time someone asks me what I'm doing, what I'm up to, or what my plans are. The truth is I don't know the answer to any of these questions, which is scary, and apparently impossible to admit. Ugh and I can't stand the 'looks' either. Whether it be pity, disapproval, concern, smugness, tolerance, judgement, whatever, I sometimes wish people could refrain from letting their reaction to my sorry answer show all over their face.
I've also been rather angry as of late (which may or may not be evident). Again, I'm not sure where it comes from...well, I suppose it is self-directed, although I'm pretty good at transferring that to whomever happens to say something at an improper time.
I wish I had the skills to pull myself out of this funk..this rut..this...coma I've fallen into. I know that there are people around me who are able to help me in this regard but reaching out requires courage, and courage requires energy, and energy requires actually sleeping at night.
Hmm. I guess for now I'll be grateful for cups of tea and online tv shows, and maybe - just maybe - I'll close my eyes and get some rest.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Scene 24, Take 1
Do you ever watch a movie and wish it was your life?
I do it all the time.
I love movies. I took several film classes in university, I appreciate the artistry and hard work that is involved in their creation and I admire their ability to transport an audience to any time or place while evoking feelings that are perhaps unexpected.
Sometimes I think I love movies too much. 'Love' perhaps is not the proper term. I adore movies, in the sense that I look up to them and trust them to provide answers to my questions. I have found myself thinking - on more than one occasion - 'if my life were a movie more exciting things would happen' or 'gawd what a boring scene this would be' or 'this song would be perfect for a film montage'. Pathetic, I know.
I have a tendency to indolence. Far too often I feel like I am sitting, waiting for my life to happen to me. As if I were patient enough, my grand adventure would fall into my lap. Perhaps I'd encounter it at a missed airplane connection, or in the dressing room at a vintage shop, or during my next elevator ride. This is what happens in films - the bad ones and the good ones. Then again, even if things don't always turn out - guy doesn't end up with girl, new house is a nightmare, heroine fails, hero falls - lessons are always learned, there is always growth, the audience is left satisfied (best case scenario), stupefied (worst case scenario) and with a common sense of experience.
My lack of motivation is one of my least favourite traits. This summer, and to be honest for the past year and a half, it has been the cause of much stress and numerous sleepless nights. Whenever confronted with the future (duh, duh, duuuuh) I get overwhelmed by all of the amazing possibilities that lie ahead. I become terribly worried that I'm going to pick the wrong path, miss my true opportunity and consequently drastically diverge from what is supposed to be my life. Or something. It's all very complicated.
I've decided that enough is enough: this fall I am going to make a decision and stick to it. Who knows if it will be "the right one" or "the wrong one", and really, who cares? I figure as long as I make a choice, live by that choice, and learn through the process, I can do no harm. After all what is life if not a series of experiences - both shared and solitary? Drama, adventure and romance are swell and I hope to encounter all three throughout my life however they are also delusions of grandeur when viewed through Hollywood's lens.
So here's to movies as entertainment and life as experience! (Worse comes to worse I can turn my failures into a screenplay and make a mint...)
I do it all the time.
I love movies. I took several film classes in university, I appreciate the artistry and hard work that is involved in their creation and I admire their ability to transport an audience to any time or place while evoking feelings that are perhaps unexpected.
Sometimes I think I love movies too much. 'Love' perhaps is not the proper term. I adore movies, in the sense that I look up to them and trust them to provide answers to my questions. I have found myself thinking - on more than one occasion - 'if my life were a movie more exciting things would happen' or 'gawd what a boring scene this would be' or 'this song would be perfect for a film montage'. Pathetic, I know.
I have a tendency to indolence. Far too often I feel like I am sitting, waiting for my life to happen to me. As if I were patient enough, my grand adventure would fall into my lap. Perhaps I'd encounter it at a missed airplane connection, or in the dressing room at a vintage shop, or during my next elevator ride. This is what happens in films - the bad ones and the good ones. Then again, even if things don't always turn out - guy doesn't end up with girl, new house is a nightmare, heroine fails, hero falls - lessons are always learned, there is always growth, the audience is left satisfied (best case scenario), stupefied (worst case scenario) and with a common sense of experience.
My lack of motivation is one of my least favourite traits. This summer, and to be honest for the past year and a half, it has been the cause of much stress and numerous sleepless nights. Whenever confronted with the future (duh, duh, duuuuh) I get overwhelmed by all of the amazing possibilities that lie ahead. I become terribly worried that I'm going to pick the wrong path, miss my true opportunity and consequently drastically diverge from what is supposed to be my life. Or something. It's all very complicated.
I've decided that enough is enough: this fall I am going to make a decision and stick to it. Who knows if it will be "the right one" or "the wrong one", and really, who cares? I figure as long as I make a choice, live by that choice, and learn through the process, I can do no harm. After all what is life if not a series of experiences - both shared and solitary? Drama, adventure and romance are swell and I hope to encounter all three throughout my life however they are also delusions of grandeur when viewed through Hollywood's lens.
So here's to movies as entertainment and life as experience! (Worse comes to worse I can turn my failures into a screenplay and make a mint...)
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Buyer's Remorse
So when I was away, I stumbled upon (aka was taken directly to by shopoholic cousins) a shoe factory outlet store. It carried mostly Naturalizer, whose shoes are super comfortable, erganomic, etc but which tend to be a little on the granny side stylistically. So imagine my excitement at the surprising selection of cute shoes at this store. Super cute shoes - and at a minimum, yes minimum discount of 30% off.
My cousins and I took over the store - in our typical fashion - and tried on dozens of shoes. I found a glorious pair of pewter loafers that were on sale for the rediculous price of $29.99. All of my inner instincts were telling me to buy those shoes, even if I had purchased a pair of loafers not 2 weeks prior.
I did not.
Instead, I decided to be practical; and may I say that that is the last time I will do so.
I bought a boring pair of black mary janes so that I would have comfortable, ergonomic shoes to wear when I'm serving (catering being my only real job these days). The black shoes were not $29.99. They were $69.99 and they were a mistake.
I can think of at least 3 occasions since my return back home when I thought, 'those silver loafers would be perfect for this outfit/outing'. Today was my first catering shift in ages so I busted out my new black shoes and they BUSTED up my feet. Granted, my knees are noticably uh, not sore considering I've just been standing up for 12 and a half hours but good god you should see my heels. Blisters like you would not believe. For the past oh, 3 hours every step has felt like blades jabbing into the back of my feet, and once I got and took the damn shoes off I discovered two blisters - one on each heel, each in identical locations - and by 'blisters' I mean way-past-the-blister-stage, nickel-sized open wounds. OWWWWW. :(
"Practical Purchase" = BIG failure. Never. Again
My cousins and I took over the store - in our typical fashion - and tried on dozens of shoes. I found a glorious pair of pewter loafers that were on sale for the rediculous price of $29.99. All of my inner instincts were telling me to buy those shoes, even if I had purchased a pair of loafers not 2 weeks prior.
I did not.
Instead, I decided to be practical; and may I say that that is the last time I will do so.
I bought a boring pair of black mary janes so that I would have comfortable, ergonomic shoes to wear when I'm serving (catering being my only real job these days). The black shoes were not $29.99. They were $69.99 and they were a mistake.
I can think of at least 3 occasions since my return back home when I thought, 'those silver loafers would be perfect for this outfit/outing'. Today was my first catering shift in ages so I busted out my new black shoes and they BUSTED up my feet. Granted, my knees are noticably uh, not sore considering I've just been standing up for 12 and a half hours but good god you should see my heels. Blisters like you would not believe. For the past oh, 3 hours every step has felt like blades jabbing into the back of my feet, and once I got and took the damn shoes off I discovered two blisters - one on each heel, each in identical locations - and by 'blisters' I mean way-past-the-blister-stage, nickel-sized open wounds. OWWWWW. :(
"Practical Purchase" = BIG failure. Never. Again
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Tales of a Hermit
I have not left my house today.
Okay fine, I have barely left my house all week. I can actually list the number of times I have left my house since last weekend:
What I am trying to say is that I am bored off my rocker. I had intended to go to Toronto this past week which makes my incredible inactivity that much more unbearable. The other fact that makes my 'current state' unbearable is that it is of my own making. All I need to do is leave my house. If I want activity in my life all I have to do is take a deep breathe, step outside and be active. One of my weaknesses is that I too often wait for life to happen to me instead of voraciously seeking out life adventures.
I've been finding it hard these past few days because I don't really feel like there is anything for me in Halifax. All of my friends are away for the summer, I am living at home which I truly resent, I'm not really working, save for the occasional catering shift, and am no longer inspired or excited by this place. My plan has always been to do something amazingly wonderful in a far off place come autumn, and to take the summer to prepare for that. Only trouble is haven't yet figured out what amazingly wonderful thing it is I want to do. Sorting through a world of opportunity is no easy task and I feel kind of like I'm treading water with no sign of dry land. BUT I suppose all I can do is suit up, swim for some alien shore and hope the locals are friendly. (That will be the end of the poorly writ swimming/treading water analogies, I promise).
Next week it's back to what has been my mantra as of late: Forward Motion. I will be better - you'll see.
Okay fine, I have barely left my house all week. I can actually list the number of times I have left my house since last weekend:
- Dinner at grandmother's house (me preparing, her trying to eat with one hand as other is broken and in cast)
- Playdate with niece all afternoon
- Lunch with Grandfather
- Shopping downtown - bought dress and jeans as was aforementioned
- Gym twice - once for yoga class, once for half-hearted cardio workout
- Pity dinner date with mother and her friend
- Daily walks with Toby, man's best (and apparently my only) friend
What I am trying to say is that I am bored off my rocker. I had intended to go to Toronto this past week which makes my incredible inactivity that much more unbearable. The other fact that makes my 'current state' unbearable is that it is of my own making. All I need to do is leave my house. If I want activity in my life all I have to do is take a deep breathe, step outside and be active. One of my weaknesses is that I too often wait for life to happen to me instead of voraciously seeking out life adventures.
I've been finding it hard these past few days because I don't really feel like there is anything for me in Halifax. All of my friends are away for the summer, I am living at home which I truly resent, I'm not really working, save for the occasional catering shift, and am no longer inspired or excited by this place. My plan has always been to do something amazingly wonderful in a far off place come autumn, and to take the summer to prepare for that. Only trouble is haven't yet figured out what amazingly wonderful thing it is I want to do. Sorting through a world of opportunity is no easy task and I feel kind of like I'm treading water with no sign of dry land. BUT I suppose all I can do is suit up, swim for some alien shore and hope the locals are friendly. (That will be the end of the poorly writ swimming/treading water analogies, I promise).
Next week it's back to what has been my mantra as of late: Forward Motion. I will be better - you'll see.
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