Thursday, August 30, 2012

Then she started to thinking...

Today I popped by my old workplace, said hello, and got my old job back.

Yay employment! Sometimes I get whiny and down on myself and complain about things like returning to the job that I left almost three years ago (almost three years ago?! can that even be true?!) but then I started to thinking that I'm actually pretty fortunate to be able to show up in town after being away for months, walk into a building and leave with a full-time job no questions asked. Pretty sweet deal. I even like the other people I work with, and I'm good at what I do so that's always a good feeling.

There's something about being at home (read: physically in the home of my childhood, with my mother) that makes me negative. This might sound like I'm trying to be cheeky or sarcastic, but today I was thinking - as I sat in a field in the sun with my dog, because is there a better way to spend 45 minutes of your afternoon - that it's not home that makes me negative, it's just me. I'm a negative person. I'm a negative person and I need to get over it.

What's the point of being cynical all the time? Nobody likes the sardonic cynical asshole. Nobody wants to get stuck sitting next to that person at a dinner party. I am that person sometimes. Maybe I'm stretching or being too hard on myself, or maybe sometimes I'm the asshole that people softly sigh and smile politely at while thinking to themselves "for God's sake can't she just get over it!". I need to stop being that person. I need to stop thinking that things happen TO ME because that is blatantly and inherently untrue. I am living the life I chose because it is precisely the choices I have made up to this point that have gotten me to where I am. I'm so sick of being the person who can't make a choice, but of course not making a choice is a choice in itself.

This Eureka Moment was not entirely brought on by a quiet moment with Man's Best Friend, it was also brought on by some of my best friends. I visited my best friend in Brighton, and one of the best things about being best friends with someone for over a decade is that even when you visit after not seeing each other for over a year you can instantly delve into the things one can only discuss with a close girlfriend. We had heart-to-hearts and pep-talks, and I left feeling invigorated, with an "I can do it" attitude. The 'it' being anything I want to.

Then upon my return home I was delighted to have a visit of one of my best friends. This friend of mine is one of the most genuinely positive and warm hearted people that I know. I think every person should have a friend like him. Not only is he positive, but he puts up with me being negative, and let's me slowly come to the realization on my own that negativity is not necessarily the best way to be.

Then there's my best friend who is one of the most organized (in a good way), driven people I know. He's gone back to school, he's getting amazing internships and workplaces, he has a plan. He is able to look toward his future with something other than sheer terror and that is inspiring.

SO while I seem to have started with a mere breakdown of my days' activity, and veered into the pitfalls of a negative attitude, I have ended what has become a rant on friendship. IT'S SO IMPORTANT. I hope everyone has friends as amazing as I do.

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