Then she started to thinking...

Today I popped by my old workplace, said hello, and got my old job back.

Yay employment! Sometimes I get whiny and down on myself and complain about things like returning to the job that I left almost three years ago (almost three years ago?! can that even be true?!) but then I started to thinking that I'm actually pretty fortunate to be able to show up in town after being away for months, walk into a building and leave with a full-time job no questions asked. Pretty sweet deal. I even like the other people I work with, and I'm good at what I do so that's always a good feeling.

There's something about being at home (read: physically in the home of my childhood, with my mother) that makes me negative. This might sound like I'm trying to be cheeky or sarcastic, but today I was thinking - as I sat in a field in the sun with my dog, because is there a better way to spend 45 minutes of your afternoon - that it's not home that makes me negative, it's just me. I'm a negative person. I'm a negative person and I need to get over it.

What's the point of being cynical all the time? Nobody likes the sardonic cynical asshole. Nobody wants to get stuck sitting next to that person at a dinner party. I am that person sometimes. Maybe I'm stretching or being too hard on myself, or maybe sometimes I'm the asshole that people softly sigh and smile politely at while thinking to themselves "for God's sake can't she just get over it!". I need to stop being that person. I need to stop thinking that things happen TO ME because that is blatantly and inherently untrue. I am living the life I chose because it is precisely the choices I have made up to this point that have gotten me to where I am. I'm so sick of being the person who can't make a choice, but of course not making a choice is a choice in itself.

This Eureka Moment was not entirely brought on by a quiet moment with Man's Best Friend, it was also brought on by some of my best friends. I visited my best friend in Brighton, and one of the best things about being best friends with someone for over a decade is that even when you visit after not seeing each other for over a year you can instantly delve into the things one can only discuss with a close girlfriend. We had heart-to-hearts and pep-talks, and I left feeling invigorated, with an "I can do it" attitude. The 'it' being anything I want to.

Then upon my return home I was delighted to have a visit of one of my best friends. This friend of mine is one of the most genuinely positive and warm hearted people that I know. I think every person should have a friend like him. Not only is he positive, but he puts up with me being negative, and let's me slowly come to the realization on my own that negativity is not necessarily the best way to be.

Then there's my best friend who is one of the most organized (in a good way), driven people I know. He's gone back to school, he's getting amazing internships and workplaces, he has a plan. He is able to look toward his future with something other than sheer terror and that is inspiring.


SO while I seem to have started with a mere breakdown of my days' activity, and veered into the pitfalls of a negative attitude, I have ended what has become a rant on friendship. IT'S SO IMPORTANT. I hope everyone has friends as amazing as I do.

Checking in

So I haven't blogged in months, I know, I know.

In my defence blogging on a tablet is rather difficult, and trying to locate and keep a decent wireless signal in Italy is just plain impossible.

I have many stories to share, and could sit here typing for hours, but instead I'm just going to say how much I love being on this side of the Atlantic. Italy is such a vibrant and challenging country, and England, where I'm vacationing this week is so bizarrely charming that I would so greatly prefer to live here than back in Canada.

So instead of writing an actual blog entry filled with anecdotes and information I'm just going to check in to say that while I'm in Brighton enjoying internet and an actual computer I think I'm going to try and discern some sort of way to prolong my stay here, or at least work towards returning as soon as possible.

How is your summer?

In a Jeff Buckley kinda mood.

Today I watched a TV show in which the title character was living the same day over and over. She found it frustrating, and while I'm sure the redundancy would eventually get to anyone I was just thinking of how nice it might be to live the same day a few times over. You would know to pack an umbrella for the un-forecasted rainstorm, or would be able to fit in time with everyone you wanted to spend time with. You could finish everything on your 'to do' list - in some way or another.

Some days I feel like my days are useless - complete wastes of 24hrs - which is a real shame because we only get a limited number of days. If I could go back and start over a few times than I could ensure that I get the most out of every day, or make sure I get at least one really good something out of my day. I suppose the idea is to accomplish this on the first go around. Our silly society sometimes [often] moves too fast for everyone to make the most out of all of our days.

As winter descends, and days literally get shorter I am going to try to get if not everything than a really good something out of my days.

Today's really good something: I had a nice, honest, hour long phone conversation with my dad.

just some words

I have been a horrible blogger as of late... my deepest apologies. I was feeling a little blah, and then - as my luck would have it - my computer died. Yes friends, my (not-so-trusty) ol' Dell finally kicked the bucket. While I wait for Visa to ship the Future Shop gift cards I bought with my rewards points, I have been time-sharing Roomie's computer. I must get back to job applications (as always) but I wanted to post something and so I'm going to post a little something that I wrote last week. I've taken to carrying a little notebook around with me at all times. A Moleskin, blue, pocket-sized. It comes in handy, like last week when I was waiting for OCAD's HR department to return from a meeting so that I could drop off a job application. I sat in the Grange (a darling little park in the heart of downtown - I quite enjoy it actually), in the sun on a worn picnic table. I sat and I wrote. It is very much a first draft - very stream of consciousness, if you will. Enjoy! Or read and discard - I promise a more enthusiastic/organized post is on its way.

And so she sits. Pit of nerves in her stomach, wishing she were someone else. Soft breeze, warm sun. laughs, chatter, children float across the soft green park. Benches and tables suitable for repose and contemplation. She should be grateful to have this day, this time, this wooden friend to sit upon but instead of enjoying her mind wanders. People are staring,judging. Perhaps not her but people always stare and judge, She knows because she does it. Constantly judging. You look fat you look tired these clothes are all wrong your pants are too tight your shoes too scuffed. Worthless, thoughtless, wordless, jobless. So much tie and energy spent on everything that is unimportant.

Maybe someday her eyes will open and she will have grown, have succeeded. Maybe she is on the cusp of who she is supposed to be! Maybe we're all on the cusp of who we're supposed to be. I'm not supposed to be there; waking, living, loving, enjoying, never compromising. Until then she will nuzzle up to the wooden park bench and bask in the sun - her only comfort and only warmth. Wood supports sun beams shine people forget, wane, think too much or not enough they are not there Only she. Only she and the soft green grass.

[Apparently I was in a dark mood... huh.]

Proust Questionnaire

WHAT IS YOUR CURRENT STATE OF MIND?
exhaustion

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE OCCUPATION?(WAY OF SPENDING TIME)
daydreaming

WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST FEAR?
Being alone

WHAT HISTORICAL FIGURE DO YOU MOST IDENTIFY WITH?
Grace Kelly?

WHICH LIVING PERSON DO YOU MOST ADMIRE?
My grandfather

WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE FICTIONAL HERO?
Jane Austen?

WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST REGRET?
Having too many regrets

WHO ARE YOUR REAL-LIFE HEROES?
My grandfather

WHAT IS YOUR MOST TREASURED POSSESSION?
My heart

WHEN AND WHERE WERE YOU HAPPIEST?
Italy, May 2005

WHAT IS YOUR MOST OBVIOUS CHARACTERISTIC?
Introversion, my hair(??)

WHAT IS THE TRAIT YOU MOST DEPLORE (HATE) IN YOURSELF?
My lack of motivation

WHAT IS THE TRAIT YOU MOST DEPLORE IN OTHERS?
Selfishness

WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST EXTRAVAGANCE?
My imagination

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE JOURNEY?
The one I’m on right now

WHAT DO YOU MOST DISLIKE ABOUT YOUR APPEARANCE?
My stomach

WHAT DO YOU CONSIDER THE MOST OVER-RATED VIRTUE?
Chastity

ON WHAT OCCASION DO YOU LIE?
When necessary; to save someone pain or embarrassment

WHICH WORDS OR PHRASES DO YOU MOST OVER-USE?
"I should"

IF YOU COULD CHANGE ONE THING ABOUT YOURSELF, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
My energy/drive

WHAT DO YOU CONSIDER YOUR GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT?
University degree; being a good Aunt

WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO LIVE?
London England

WHAT IS THE QUALITY YOU MOST ADMIRE IN A MAN?
Honesty

WHAT IS THE QUALITY YOU MOST ADMIRE IN A WOMAN?
Confidence

WHAT IS IT YOU MOST DISLIKE?
Superficiality; feeling inadequate

WHAT DO YOU VALUE MOST IN YOUR FRIENDS?
Trust, humour

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO DIE?
Happy

IF YOU WERE TO DIE AND COME BACK AS A PERSON OR AN ANIMAL, WHAT DO YOU
THINK IT WOULD BE?
Polar bear (?)

IF YOU COULD CHOOSE AN OBJECT TO COME BACK AS, WHAT WOULD YOU CHOOSE?An
artistic Masterpiece

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO (WORDS YOU LIVE BY OR THAT MEAN A LOT TO YOU)?
Always be kind

WHO HAS BEEN THE GREATEST INFLUENCE ON YOU?
I don’t know, there are many

I tried to respond to each question with immediacy, and as such some of the answers seem a bit off - hence the " (??)s " scattered throughout as editorial notes - but when one can't fall asleep it is an interesting exercise. Actually I'm sure it's an interesting exercise whether one is lying in bed or not... I don't know much about Proust or why these are the questions he selected, nor do I know what purpose they are meant to serve or secrets they are meant to reveal. Some of the questions I found quite difficult - certainly the use of 'greatest' and 'most' add a certain amount of gravity to ones answers.

Anywho, perhaps I should have another go at shut eye before I ramble on for another 5 minutes... G'night!

Do you ever second guess yourself?

I do it all the time. All the time. I think things like "I should have worn that shirt instead of this shirt" or "I wish I'd gone there instead of here" or "Have I made a mistake?" or "That was a wrong decision"

Maybe that's not second guessing, maybe that's regretting. Either way, I would like to quit. At my age I should be strong in my convictions, fervently driven towards my goals, trudging onward with confidence into my Great Adult Life. Or something.

Now I'm second guessing this entry. I wanted to post some sort of entry today; I feel like I had a weekend that would inspire some sort of writing but it has also tired me out so instead I am exhausted, bundled up and sitting cozy on my couch rambling on about perceived shortcomings.

A rather whiny entry... feel free to skim past ;)

Remember way back when, when I bought myself a necklace and was excited about the prospect of new beginnings?

Well, now the reality of 'a new beginning' has settled in, and I find myself not-so excited anymore. Still happy to be here in a new city, embarking on a new life mind you, but the actual experience is regrettably a tad lack-luster.

The apartment hunt has been brutal. After the dreaded Pauline experience on Monday, and a low-day on Tuesday, Roomie and I decided to sit down and sort through our expectations what our next steps should be over a green tea and chai latte last night. Conclusion was that we would be fabulous roommates, but that finding an apartment in which to be fabulous roommates that suits both of our tastes/wants/budgets is near impossible. Now we are in an 'open relationship' if you will. That is, we are continuing to look for places together however we are allowed to see other single apartments on our own.

Then there is the job hunt, which I have been actively post-poning and which all together terrifies me. Okay perhaps "terrifies" is a strong word, but I do find the whole ordeal to be daunting in an overwhelming sort of way. In my defence, and to not seem like a total sissy I would like to say that part of the reason I have been reluctant to start the job search is because of Christmas. No one is going to give a new employee a week off for the holidays first month in.

Then there is the matter of actually getting home for Christmas which is something that I have perhaps delayed longer than is apt, as flights are now dwindling in availability and skyrocketing in cost. All is not lost on that front either however because WestJet has a seat sale today (helloooo 65% off!)

Reflections, more life plans, and an apparent Gwyneth Paltrow obsession:

Tonight I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and thought "Ugh, how unfortunate." On second thought, I believe I actually audibly uttered those words to the sorry reflection looking back at me.

I had hastily pulled my [greasy] hair into what I'll have to call a "rough ponytail", my concealer had all but vanished betraying the dark, baggy circles under my eyes, I'd shoved my [slipper-sock clad] feet into my mother's Blundstones - which peeking out from my trouser jeans resembled clown shoes, and I had LEFT THE HOUSE. That's right, although feeling exhausted, achy, overfull and looking one baggy t-shirt short of ghastly I actually allowed myself to enter the public domain.

(Okay so it wasn't so much "the public domain" as it was driving to my grandparents house to pick up my brother, but still.)

My point is that I have been less than, er, fastidious about my personal health these days. Somehow my life has become more about needless late nights, wine, coffee, tea, carbs, cheese, over-indulgence/eating on an almost daily basis, stress and slovenliness, and less about proper sleep patterns, water intake, fruits&veg, self confidence and improvement, and any/all forms of exercise.

NOT GOOD. And my body is starting to show the effects. (On the plus side, I bought myself a daily multivitamin a week ago and have remembered to take it...3 whole days! Yay improvement??)

Last night I read about a cleanse that Gwyneth Paltrow was raving about, and thought 'I should do that'. For a few deluded moments I had myself thinking "all I need is to do this 21-day total detox and I will emerge healthy, happy, lithe and lean - just like Gwyneth!" Then I noticed that the cleanse includes $350 (!!!) worth of essential meal-replacement shakes and supplements and said delusions quickly faded. 21 days of a mere diet-regime to turn me into Gwyneth Paltrow??!? Yeah friggin' right.

I mean hello:

IMPOSSIBLE.

All this aside, I have decided that the time is now. (Cue fanfare!) I'm changing cities, why not change lifestyles? Well perhaps a complete 'lifestyle overhaul' is a tad drastic BUT I would truly like to do a cleanse/detox of some sort, I'm thinking about cutting out as much dairy as I can muster (as an asthmatic, phlegm and I have been friends for too long and milk and mucus go together like....I don't know I can't think of an analogy.. the fact I just used the word 'mucus' grossed me out and threw me off-kilter), I can practically hear my muscles urging me to get back into yoga, and I know I'll feel a difference if I start drinking more water.

Other plans to re-vamp my life currently include an appointment with a financial planner, reading more non-fiction, and taking a dance class come winter.

How this will all turn out? Who knows?

Maybe Gwyneth Paltrow does... that woman knows everything, just look at her blog.

I don't know what it is but I can't seem to sit down and write anything coherent. I've been doing plenty of blogable things since arriving in Toronto, but I suppose my head is as much in a nomadic state as my life is right now. I have a few things to share so perhaps in lieu of having the focus to eloquently display them I'll list them off in a non-sensical order.

~.~

The seasons have changed. Suddenly changed. It was all sun and sweaters (ok, and a week of rain) and now there are frost warnings, and bitter winds and a desperate need for scarves and gloves (a darling set of which were purchased yesterday at Winner's after spending far too much time combatting what I believed I called "heinously ferocious winds" on Bloor West.)

This past Thanksgiving Weekend I was in Peterborough staying with a friend and her wonderful family and I was shocked at the exuberance and magnificence of all of the fall colours! One thing about staying in downtown Toronto is there are no trees, which is a shame. Driving around Peterborough and its surrounding areas I was reminded of home and how beautiful the leaves look in Nova Scotia. Sadly, I didn't have the presence of mind to take any photos. (More on that later) So I'll share/borrow/steal a photo or two that a dear friend of mine took in Cape Breton not so long ago. (Thanks Will!)

~.~

My Peterborough Thanksgiving was fantastic.

Okay so here's the deal: This post was supposed to be much longer, and in fact it was. There were photos included - cute ones too! Like me and my new sheep friend at a fall fair! - and reflections, observations, vows - well, maybe not vows, that sounds far too serious - questions, stories, and much, much, more! However instead of hitting 'Publish Post' I apparently (and absently) clicked 'Save Now', and only today did I discover not only were my lovely words and photos not out in the world for all to see BUT half of the post had not in fact been saved in the first place. Enter frusteration; at myself and at my machine.

SO instead of trying to revert to my mental state of this past Wednesday, and recreate this post, I am going to publish what is here and move on to something new. 'Experiencing Technical Difficulties, Please Stand By' and all that jazz. Bear with me my friends, I'll be back on track here soon - I promise.

Grown Up Thoughts on a Gray Afternoon

I have been neglecting you, dear blog, and for that I am sorry. My "big city move" is overwhelming it would seem, or at any rate it occupies time that would have been spent blogging back home in Halifax.

Last night I stayed over at my friend's brand new house just outside Toronto. That's right I said HOUSE. She and her boyfriend are homeowners. Whenever a friend of mine buys a condo, or house, or gets engaged (as my friend JMac just did) I am shocked by how 'grown up' we are all turning out to be. Or rather how grown up we actually are. It boggles my mind. I do not feel nearly old enough to be buying houses, planning lives, getting married, etc. and whenever I am confronted with the fact that I am it plain freaks me out.

That being said, I am excited to be embarking on my new adventure, especially to have my own apartment to plan (and there is a post in the works to share all of my apartment plans). I concede that being 'grown up' has plenty of perks, having one's own space among them; and while I believe I will cling on to my 'inner child' with fervour for as long as I can for now - or at least in this moment - being a grown up feels pretty darn good.

So I signed on hours ago to write what would likely have been a lengthly, quasi non-sensical entry about my day, or my life, or both.

Then I got distracted.

Now I'm sitting in my bed, finishing off last night's apple crisp, struggling to stay awake and so instead you are stuck with this measley musing:



Today I got a manicure. I felt pampered and they looked lovely. I say looked because I had to go directly from esthetician back to work where I may have smudged the tip of one or two (aargh!) but all in all my nails look right purdy. Oh, and the colour may be my new favourite neutral: a darkish yet subtle taupy grey tone entitled You Don't Know Jacques. It's from OPI's "Collection de France" and the name is amazing. I'm sorry, but being the person who's job it is to come up with names like "Monsooner or Later" or "Miami Beet" (both of which are fab toe or summer-fun colours) or "I'm Not Really a Waitress" (which is just plain glorious, regardless of what the colour is) would be pretty darn fun, if you ask me. That or being the person who names crayon colours. When I was a kid I used to think that was the coolest of dream jobs.

I'm distracted again... and rambling about nail polish. Sorry.

Suffice it to say that I have been awake for 21 of the past 24 hours, I am leaving the day after tomorrow for Toronto for what is currently an indefinite period of time and I have not begun to prepare, one of my best friends just got engaged (!!) and the other is apparently very upset with me (??). Oh, and remember the boy I mentioned on the sly? I went to visit him about a week ago and I think something went awry but I don't know what.


Tomorrow will be better. ...or at the very least the day after that..



So to make up for all of this rambling, here's a photo I found on a new-to-me site called Photography Served. It's from a gallery entitled 'Nightscapes'. Very cool.

Scene 24, Take 1

Do you ever watch a movie and wish it was your life?

I do it all the time.

I love movies. I took several film classes in university, I appreciate the artistry and hard work that is involved in their creation and I admire their ability to transport an audience to any time or place while evoking feelings that are perhaps unexpected.

Sometimes I think I love movies too much. 'Love' perhaps is not the proper term. I adore movies, in the sense that I look up to them and trust them to provide answers to my questions. I have found myself thinking - on more than one occasion - 'if my life were a movie more exciting things would happen' or 'gawd what a boring scene this would be' or 'this song would be perfect for a film montage'. Pathetic, I know.

I have a tendency to indolence. Far too often I feel like I am sitting, waiting for my life to happen to me. As if I were patient enough, my grand adventure would fall into my lap. Perhaps I'd encounter it at a missed airplane connection, or in the dressing room at a vintage shop, or during my next elevator ride. This is what happens in films - the bad ones and the good ones. Then again, even if things don't always turn out - guy doesn't end up with girl, new house is a nightmare, heroine fails, hero falls - lessons are always learned, there is always growth, the audience is left satisfied (best case scenario), stupefied (worst case scenario) and with a common sense of experience.

My lack of motivation is one of my least favourite traits. This summer, and to be honest for the past year and a half, it has been the cause of much stress and numerous sleepless nights. Whenever confronted with the future (duh, duh, duuuuh) I get overwhelmed by all of the amazing possibilities that lie ahead. I become terribly worried that I'm going to pick the wrong path, miss my true opportunity and consequently drastically diverge from what is supposed to be my life. Or something. It's all very complicated.

I've decided that enough is enough: this fall I am going to make a decision and stick to it. Who knows if it will be "the right one" or "the wrong one", and really, who cares? I figure as long as I make a choice, live by that choice, and learn through the process, I can do no harm. After all what is life if not a series of experiences - both shared and solitary? Drama, adventure and romance are swell and I hope to encounter all three throughout my life however they are also delusions of grandeur when viewed through Hollywood's lens.

So here's to movies as entertainment and life as experience! (Worse comes to worse I can turn my failures into a screenplay and make a mint...)