So I've been in a really odd head space the past few days, and I'm not sure why. All I know is it's 4:30 in the morning and I'm still awake. Do you ever have those nights? Nights when you can't seem to turn your mind off and you fight reason, sleep, and time as you toss in your bed until the wee hours of the morning? Perhaps not. I hope not.
I don't know, lately I feel (to revert back to my treading water metaphor) like I can't find my way to the surface, or rather that I am perfectly capable of swimming to safety if only I would kick my legs. I'm just tired of telling the same white lies every time someone asks me what I'm doing, what I'm up to, or what my plans are. The truth is I don't know the answer to any of these questions, which is scary, and apparently impossible to admit. Ugh and I can't stand the 'looks' either. Whether it be pity, disapproval, concern, smugness, tolerance, judgement, whatever, I sometimes wish people could refrain from letting their reaction to my sorry answer show all over their face.
I've also been rather angry as of late (which may or may not be evident). Again, I'm not sure where it comes from...well, I suppose it is self-directed, although I'm pretty good at transferring that to whomever happens to say something at an improper time.
I wish I had the skills to pull myself out of this funk..this rut..this...coma I've fallen into. I know that there are people around me who are able to help me in this regard but reaching out requires courage, and courage requires energy, and energy requires actually sleeping at night.
Hmm. I guess for now I'll be grateful for cups of tea and online tv shows, and maybe - just maybe - I'll close my eyes and get some rest.